Keyboard Warrior By Arjun Kumar Miglani INT. STAIRWELL - DAY An old, disfigured door lies slightly ajar at the bottom of a narrow, carpetless stairwell. MAX (O.S) No fucking way! You must be joking! The doors shakes from the impact of an object thrown at it from behind. MAX (O.S) I can’t believe you’re saying that! A glass shatters behind the door. MAX (O.S) That’s it! I’ve had enough! MAX, a rotund twenty year old storms out and up the stairs in a pair of boxers and an oversize t-shirt with the letters "wtf?" printed on, with a bag of unfinished chips in his hand. An interviewer stands in position, ready to introduce him to the camera. INTERVIEWER Meet Max Fire. A man who won’t take no for an answer! A man who backs down for no-one! A man who... MAX Yeah, can you get on with it mate? I’ve got shit to do. INTERVIEWER Oh, sorry. ...strikes fear into the heart of his many mortal enemies! Yes, Max Fire is the ultimate...KEYBOARD WARRIOR! Max stares the the camera and attempts to strike an imposing pose as the crew pack up their equipment and move to the next location. INT. BASEMENT - DAY Max sits in front of a computer in a bleak, undecorated room, with one hand in a bag of chips and the other on the mouse. His hands frequently move to the keyboard and engage in frantic typing. The walls are decorated with posters of Dr. Who, Warcraft, and other such symbols of coolness. ’Ridin’ by Chamillionaire is playing from the speakers. An (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 2. interviewer and a cameraman enter the room. Max pauses for a moment and wheels his chair away from the computer, failing to make eye contact with anyone. MAX Ugh, fine. Let’s do it. INTERVIEWER Sorry to pry you away from your...computer thing there. MAX It’s alright. I would just be pwning some noobs anyway. INTERVIEWER Uh...I’m sorry...I didn’t...what? MAX Pwning. You know, like owning, but spelled the cool way. To defeat, to destroy. The interview takes down some notes in his pad. INTERVIEWER I see. And the other thing you said? MAX Noobs.People who’ve just joined the game, who don’t know what they’re doing. Losers, basically. INTERVIEWER Ah. And what game is this? MAX You know, man, THE game, in general. Life. Life, the universe and everything. INTERVIEWER Ok. And... MAX Wait, did you see what I did there? Life, the universe... INTERVIEWER Yes, yes I did. Very good. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 3. Max’s friend, KANE, of similar physical appearance to Max, enters the room. Max does not look up from the computer screen to acknowledge his presence. MAX Hey man. KANE Hey...whoa, cameras! Not cool man, not cool! Turn em off! Max swivels his chair away from the computer screen and faces Kane. MAX Goddammit Kane, you’re meant to act as if they’re not there! Be cool, man! KANE Well you didn’t tell me there would be fucking cameras here... MAX Watch the language man! This is going to go out on TV... INTERVIEWER Well, not necessarily... MAX Look, you’ve screwed it up already! INTERVIEWER Listen guys, don’t worry about it. Just pretend we’re not even here. We’ll cut that last bit out. MAX Will you really? INTERVIEWER Oh yeah for sure, don’t worry about it. MAX Alright cool, thanks. Yo Kane, walk out and back in again... INTERVIEWER No don’t... Max goes back to his computer and pretends to type, while Kane walks back out. 4. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Kane is sitting on the couch watching T.V. while being interviewed. The reality show ’Flavor of Love’ is on. KANE Well, you know, guys like Max, and me for that matter, we’re misunderstood...I mean in many respects, I feel we can relate to a guy like Flava Flav in that way. INTERVIEWER I’m sorry, Flavour...who? KANE That guy, the one with the massive clock round his neck. See, people say he’s just a joke, a gimmick. Even his old group doesn’t really like him anymore. But you know, it takes all sorts. I mean, people say he doesn’t really contribute anything useful, but it just wouldn’t be the same without him, you know? Similarly, people say we don’t contribute anything to society, but the next time you need to configure your TCP/IP settings, or you have a problem with your modem,who you gonna call? Ghostbusters? No, you’d call... INTERVIEWER Flava Flav? KANE No, what? No, that was just an analogy. You’d call us, because we know about computers and shit. Don’t call Flava Flav, he wouldn’t know what to do. He’d make it worse, if anything. Kane turns his unwavering attention back to the television. INT. BASEMENT - DAY Max is sitting in front of the computer, as per usual. ’Mongoloid’ by Devo is playing through the speakers. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 5. MAX Check this out. Catsthatlooklikehitler.com. An entire website dedicated to pictures of cats that bear a vague facial resemblance to Adolf Hitler. And people say I just waste my time on the Internet. INTERVIEWER Yes. Anyway I... MAX Oh, oh, look at this! Two girls, one...actually, never mind. You don’t wanna see that. INTERVIEWER So this date your mum has set up, you’re aware of this? MAX Oh yeah, that. Yeah, it’ll be cool man. Chicks really dig me, you know? It’s like they’re intimidated by me, and that turns them on. Yeah, Cheryl...that’s her name, isn’t it? INTERVIEWER Elaine, actually. MAX Elaine, that’s right. Elaine’s gonna love it. I mean, all the other girls have probably told her all about me already, if you know what I mean! Max smirks as he continues looking at the screen. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Kane continues to watch TV. KANE Girls? I don’t think Max has ever talked to a girl. IRL, I mean. Kane looks at the interviewer and proceeds to explain. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 6. KANE IRL...in real life. I’m not sure that he knows what a real woman looks like. He’s seen plenty on the Internet though. Oh yeah. Ask him to show you the folder on his computer called "homework." There’s no homework in there, believe me. He continues watching TV, smiling at an on-screen joke. KANE Of course, I’ve been with loads of women. Heaps. Kane turns his attention back to the TV, occasionally glancing at the camera to make sure that it is still recording him. INT. ELAINE’S BEDROOM - DAY ELAINE is sitting on her bed, looking at the mirror, applying make-up and doing her hair. ELAINE I don’t really know what it’s going to be like, to be honest. I mean, mum says he’s from down the street,but I’ve NEVER seen him around. And I’ve lived here for six years. She continues her make-up procedure. ELAINE I mean, I’m not expecting too much, to be honest. But you never know...but I mean, I don’t even know what he looks like. The interviewer hands her a picture. ELAINE Well, you know, looks aren’t important... She stops applying her make-up and packs her equipment away. 7. INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT Max has fallen asleep, with his head down on the keyboard. ’Dissident Aggressor’ by Judas Priest is playing through the speakers. EXT. RESTAURANT - DAY Elaine sits outside at a table, fiddling with her phone, and looking around for Max. INT. BASEMENT - DAY Max is still asleep. Suddenly, he wakes up and notices the time. MAX Shit! He runs his arm through his hair and runs out of the room. EXT. RESTAURANT - DAY Elaine is still sitting at the table as Max runs to the chair and sits down. MAX Sweet! You’re still here. ELAINE Yeah. You’re late. MAX Yeah well, you know what they say, better late than...nevermind. Listen, what’s the payment situation here? Because I mean, traditionally, you know, I suppose I’m meant to foot the bill, but let’s be honest, we don’t really know each other, do we? ELAINE So you’re saying you want me to pay for my share? MAX Yeah. I mean really, it should be done in hindsight, shouldn’t it? If we’re still seeing each other in a (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 8. MAX (cont’d) month, I’ll give you the money back. That way I know it wasn’t a waste... Max grabs the menu out of Elaine’s hands and surveys the options. INT. BASEMENT - DAY Max in his usual position, being interviewed. MAX You know, I get the impression that sometimes women look at me and think, "Oh, he doesn’t care about anything, he doesn’t have any feelings." To these people I say, ask me what my favourite film is. Max motions towards the interviewer to ask him the question. INTERVIEWER What’s your favourite film? MAX The Notebook. Well, no, actually probably Rambo. But after that, definitely The Notebook. So there you go. Max stares at the camera. EXT. RESTAURANT - DAY Max and Elaine sit opposite each other, eating their respective meals, with Max enjoying his considerably more. ELAINE So where do you usually hang out? I never see you around... MAX Oh, you know,all the...usual spots. ELAINE Like where? Max looks around him and sees a bottle of Evian on another table. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 9. MAX Ev...Evian Park? That’s always a good one. ELAINE I’ve never been there, where is it? MAX It’s...well you go, over...there... Max points vaguely in a certain direction. MAX and, then you take a...left, no right, and, then it’s about a five minute walk. ELAINE And who do you usually hang out with? MAX Oh, got a message. Excuse me... Max takes his mobile phone out of his pocket and starts playing Snake. ELAINE Are you pretending to send an SMS? MAX What? No, of course not. ELAINE Course you are. Let me see. MAX No! ELAINE Come on! Elaine reaches over and grabs Max’s phone. MAX Elaine, I forbid you to look at that phone! It is private property and... ELAINE You’re playing Snake? (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 10. MAX Well, it’s...quite addictive. You didn’t quit did you? Max looks at this phone and throws it away in disgust. INT. BASEMENT - DAY Max in his normal pose at the computer. MAX If I had to sum up how to be sexy in one word, I would say : look busy. If you look busy, people think you’re important, you know, they think there’s people all over just dying to get in touch with you...Of course, I don’t have to pretend, it happens naturally. Max picks his phone out of his pocket and pretends to send a message. EXT. RESTAURANT - DAY Max has finished his meal, while Elaine still has a substantial portion of hers left. MAX Well, you know, I’m done so... ELAINE You’re leaving? MAX I mean, it’s a restaurant, and I don’t have any food left. You don’t stay in a cinema after the movie’s finished. ELAINE Yeah, well everyone finishes the movie at the same time. MAX Look, do you think...I mean, would you consider doing this sort of thing again? (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 11. ELAINE No, probably not. You? MAX Nah, don’t think so. Anyway, have a good one. Max leaves his share of the money and walks away from the restaurant. INT. ELAINE’S BEDROOM - DAY Elaine is sitting on her bed being interviewed. ELAINE What a loser! I mean, no wonder he has no friends. Just look at him! Joke’s on him though, he left more money than he needed. Paid for more than half of my meal. Elaine gets her make-up from her drawer and begins applying it. INT. BASEMENT - DAY Max sitting at the computer. MAX Well, you know, as soon as I saw her I knew she wasn’t my type. I know they say you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but I mean, realistically, there’s a lot of people in the world, and I don’t have time to get to know them all. It’s like if you’re in a bookshop, yeah...either you can read all the books from back to front, or judge them by their covers. It’s practical, it’s efficient. He turns back to the computer, before remembering to offer a final thought. MAX People say, you know, that my lifestyle is unhealthy. But I mean, look at Keith Richards. I think Keith and I are similar in that respect, you know, in that we play (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 12. MAX (cont’d) by our own rules.He did every drug known to man. He even invented new ones because he was bored with the old ones. And he’s still kicking about. Max stares at the camera.