DIGITAL EDITION! www.ZOOToday.com Issue 593 GT CBB 4 JODIE MARSH CBB 7 KATIA IVANOVA CBB 13 CASEY BATCHELOR CBB 13 LUISA ZISSMAN CELEBRIT BIG BROTHER THEY DEFINITELY COULDN’T BROADCAST THIS STUFF! PLUS! HORIZON ZERO DAWN! FIRST LOOK! REVEALED! NOTTING HILL CARNIVAL’S SECRET RIOTS! CBB 14 STEPHANIE PRATT WOW! BB BABE CHLOE GOODMAN STRIPS! WHAT’S INSIDE P32 FOOTBALLERS’ HOMES! P50 NOTTING HIL H I D D E N R I O TL’ S S! WHAT WE’VE BEEN UP TO! The office got some snazzy new wallpaper courtesy of jwwalls.com. Now we’ll get even less work done! Check out their range online. ZOO Mates ● The return of Celebrity Big Brother naughtiness ● Anthony Ogogo on Strictly Come Dancing ● Youth Hostelling With Chris Eubank 2 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM We met Ed Skrein, star of The Transporter: Refueled and Deadpool’s villain Ajax! It’s gonna be one hell of a year for this Londoner. ZOO Hates ● Michael Shannon dropping a huge Batman vs Superman spoiler ● Ridiculous transfer fees for bang average players P58 P54 IN ZOO THIS WEEK! Academic House 24-28 Oval Road London NW1 7DT UPFRONT 4 Chloe Goodman strips for a cracking bikini break! 8 “People still want me to call them b**ch!” Breaking Bad ’s Aaron Paul chats to ZOO 10 Friday night fights! 12 W.T.F! Bears being dicks! 14 Horizon: Zero Dawn First look! 16 ZOO reboots Baywatch 18 The David Haye Column 20 Pebble Beach Concours d’Elegance’s best motors! 22 Your Shout 24 Get Fact 26 Jokes 28 Reviews Films, games & music 30 TV Essentials Phone 020 7241 8000 Email info@zootoday.com or firstname.surname@zootoday.com ZOO runs editorial work experience placements. To apply, visit gothinkbig.co.uk THE ZOO TEAM EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Damien McSorley 020 3227 7516 EDITORIAL ASSISTANT/ ENTERTAINMENT WRITER Harriet Notton 020 3227 7512 DEPUTY EDITOR Giles Milton 020 3227 7518 ACTING FEATURES EDITOR Joe Barnes 0203 227 7514 SPORTS EDITOR James Ankobia 020 3227 7515 NEWS & GAMES EDITOR James Wright 020 3227 7511 FEATURES JUNIOR WRITER Drew Middleton 020 3227 7510 Notting Hill Carnival’s hidden riots Gangs, violence, toilet troubles! 50 How to buy a footballer’s house! The secrets of blagging a Premier League star’s property COVER & CONTENTS PHOTOGRAPHY: James Rudland, James Betts COVER & CONTENTS PICS: Matrix Pictures, Form Photos, Lipstick Syndication, PA Photos, Action Images, Rex Features, NCJM 32 ART DIRECTOR Jonathan Coull 020 3227 7504 ART EDITOR Dave Botham 020 3227 7506 JUNIOR DESIGNER Holly Jose 020 3227 7506 PICTURE EDITOR Colin Williams 020 3227 7503 SPORT SENIOR PICTURE RESEARCHER Rachel Billings 020 3227 7502 Memphis Depay’s rise 54 Challenge Cup Final preview Hull KR’s Josh Mantellato and Leeds Rhinos’ Keith Sinfield chat! 56 “Stokes does the drinking for me!” Mark Wood on the Ashes celebrations and his imaginary horse 58 World’s worst football statues! 60 Lip Reading 61 Quiz & Fanzone 52 PRODUCTION EDITOR Jonathan Sever 020 3227 7509 CHIEF SUB-EDITOR Rob Buxton 020 3227 7508 P34 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM WEB & DIGITAL EDITOR Jon Moody 020 3227 7513 P8 CONTRIBUTORS Creative Retouching epc@bauer.com Web Melaku Zenebe Work Experience Joe Barnes PEOPLE IN TIDIER OFFICES / ADVERTISING / MARKETING / OTHER STUFF GIRLS Celebrity Big Brother uncensored The hottest former housemates remembered! 66 #ZOOTwitties Chief Executive Paul Keenan Group Managing Director Abby Carvosso Publisher Gareth Cherriman Personal Assistant To Paul Keenan Emma Knowles Business Analyst Giles Clawson 34 P56 P16 P14 MA RK WO OD CH AT S! 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Everything in this magazine is copyright of Bauer. COMPLAINTS Bauer Consumer Media Limited is a member of the Independent Press Standards Organisation (ipso.co.uk) and endeavours to respond to and resolve your concerns quickly. Our Editorial Complaints Policy (including full details of how to contact us about editorial complaints and IPSO’s contact details) can be found at bauermediacomplaints.co.uk. Our email address for editorial complaints covered by the Editorial Complaints Policy is complaints@bauermedia.co.uk. CH LO E GO OD MA N EX CL US IVE ! the X-rated bits!” Ahead of the new series of Celebrity Big Brother, former housemate Chloe Goodman chats to ZOO – and sends temperatures soaring in Majorca! W ith another series of the Orwellianinspired reality show set to grace TV screens this week, we’re gifting you one busty blast from the past in our Celebrity Big Brother Uncensored issue. The lovely Chloe Goodman – who was foolishly given the boot by viewers in the first week of the last series in January – told ZOO what life in the house is really like and who she 4 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM wants to see on CBB 16. “There’s so much X-rated stuff that happens which they don’t show!” explained gorgeous Goodman. “I’d love them to get Ex On The Beach’s Megan McKenna in the house. She’s an absolute worldie. I tweet her so much, she must think I’m a lesbian!” The Brighton beauty, indulging in good, clean fun poolside as our British summer draws to a close, had more to add. Chloe on CBB 15! WORDS: Harriet Notton PICS: Palace Lee/matrixpictures.co.uk Caught o n camera! WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 5 C h lo e a n d C a m i- L i on CBB 15! 6 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM Cracking bikini babe! “Summer makes me feel really sexy. I mean, who doesn’t feel a bit more passionate on holiday?” And she doesn’t stop there. “Sand and sex have never been a great mix: I prefer the intimacy of a five-star hotel room and clean white sheets.” If that’s not a good enough reason to check down the back of the sofa for spare change, then we don’t know what is. Just make sure you rearrange those cushions in time to see which hot celebrities will be hitting the hot tub in the new CBB series this time around! TURN TO T O P 3 4O R E S E E MA B E S C B B BS O R E D ! UNCEN AA RO N PA UL TA LK S TO ZO O “People still want me to call them b**ch!” Hollywood star Aaron Paul chats to ZOO about life after Breaking Bad, tourists outside his house, and his chances of becoming the next Bond… PICS: Rex Features H EY, AARON! HUGE CONGRATULATIONS ON RELEASING ANOTHER SEASON OF BOJACK HORSEMAN. WE HEARD YOU’RE PRETTY ATTACHED TO IT… Well I was the first person to sign up because it’s certainly not your run-of-the-mill comedy. It’s odd and wrong but in the best kinda way. I’m just grateful that Netflix stood behind us and gave it their support. SO WHAT CAN WE EXPECT IN SEASON TWO? BoJack’s got his career back on track-ish, but he’s still a mess while trying to seem perfectly on top of his sh*t! My character Todd is still the same stoner. Living in BoJack’s house, eating Pop-Tarts all day and never leaving the couch. He’s kind of like the person I secretly want to be like. No one knows it but I’m indulging my inner Aaron. HOW HAVE YOU COPED WITH THE FAME AFTER BREAKING BAD? Honestly, I like to float around and not be noticed, but I’m my own worst enemy because I’m the kinda guy who’ll invite the world out to have a beer. I always want to knock down that wall between celebrity 8 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM and fans. We’re all the same. SPEAKING OF WHICH, DO YOU STILL WELCOME TOUR GROUPS OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE? That was a big mistake. We’re even thinking of moving now because we just get people who come and wait outside the house for me! I had to politely ask the bus company to stop and they were really cool about it. WHAT’S IT LIKE WHEN YOU’RE OUT AND ABOUT? People are constantly asking me to call them “b**ch” – on the street, on social media, it’s unrelenting. I even made an app (Yo, b**ch) after someone suggested it. Sounds crazy but it’s done inexplicably well! SO WHAT DID YOU THINK OF BETTER CALL SAUL? I loved it! I think it was just what the fans needed. They want to see these characters and Saul was such an incredible one and we never got to see deep inside his life. ANY CHANCE JESSE OR WALT WILL EVER APPEAR IN IT? If they’d have me it would be great to be back, but honestly, nothing has been said. WHAT’S THE BEST THING YOU’VE WORKED ON SINCE BREAKING BAD? Having the chance to work “I’m the kinda guy who’ll invite the world for a beer” B O JA C K HORSEMAN with Ridley Scott on Exodus. I mean, c’mon, that’s an incredible experience. Plus most of my stuff was opposite Christian Bale who is so funny to work with. ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE SAME CHRISTIAN BALE? Honest! I was one of the guys who went into that, kinda hesitant, wondering, “What’s he going to be like?” But he’s so misunderstood. He’s a great guy to everybody and he’s literally one of the funniest men I’ve ever met in my life. WE CAN’T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU’VE BEEN PROMOTING YOURSELF FOR THE STAR WARS SPIN-OFFS PRETTY HEAVILY. WHAT’S GOING ON? Oh that! Well I have fun on Instagram and social media from time to time. I like to make fun and stir the pot a little. There’s never any legitimacy in it… most of the time. WE’RE GUESSING YOU’D JUMP AT THE CHANCE TO PLAY THE LIKES OF HAN SOLO IN ONE OF THE SPIN-OFF FILMS? Are you kidding? It’s like Bond, in fact they’re better than Bond. You can’t turn down a role like that. SO YOU’D CHOOSE HAN SOLO OVER BOND? YOU KNOW THEY’RE REPLACING DANIEL CRAIG SOON… Me? Bond? Let’s face it, I’m never, ever going to become 007. But those guys, they’re my heroes. BoJack Horseman Season 2 is available on Netflix now Z O O E XC L U S I VE! Ye a sci-fi, h, b**ch! WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 9 NFL FRIENDLY KICKS OFF… BIG TIME We always knew NFL stars were tough, but we didn’t realise how violent their training sessions could get! A 10 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM ROUND 1 GO Z O O T O D AT O Y T O S E E T H. C O M FULL FIGH E TS PICS: PA Photos, Offside mericans always have to do things bigger and better than everyone else. In this case that meant turning an honest training session between the NFL’s Dallas Cowboys and the St. Louis Rams into a right royal rumble. It all kicked off not once, but three times during a few routine drills between the Cowboys’ defensive line and the Rams’ offense. Following a bit of pushing and shoving, it quickly escalated into a full-blown barney, which broke off into multiple scuffles with punches thrown, and eyes gouged, spilling over to the sidelines near the fans. Bizarrely, fights like these during practice sessions aren’t that uncommon, with the Cowboys also involved in another massive fist-fight last year, on that occasion with the Oakland Raiders. Dallas cornerback Tyler Patmon, who threw the first punch, said after the fight: “All you’re thinking about is having your teammate’s back – that’s all that matters!” If only the boring and completely pointless England friendlies we’re subjected to were anything like these practice sessions. Maybe then we’d get to see the England team show a little more fight… ROU ND 2 saucy slip-ups! Reading from an Autocue is not the easiest of skills in the world and last week one Sky Sports News presenter had a day to forget after accidently saying, “Charlie Austin has no ligaments in his right dick.” An unfortunate slip of the tongue – but it’s certainly not the first time Sky Sports presenters have got themselves tongue-tied. But can you spot the real slip-ups from the fakes, below? real fake “JOSE MOURINHO IS HUNGRY FOR MORE SEX” “C**T STILL GOING ALONG VERY NICELY IN THE CRICKET” “CATTERMOLE THERE, F**KING, SORRY DUCKING, OUT THE WAY” “RICKY VAN WOLF SPHINCTER” “BARRY HAS DONE REALLY WELL TO C**T THAT ONE OUT” “ROONEY PICKS IT UP 30 YARDS OUT. HE MIGHT HAVE A CR*P HERE!” “REAL MADRID KEEPING A CLEAN SH*TE TONIGHT MIGHT BE HARD” “STEPHEN HENDRY JUMPS ON STEVE DAVIS’ MISSES EVERY CHANCE HE GETS” “DAVID SILVA TURNS AND GETS A GREAT SH*TE OFF” “IT’S TAKEN A MASSIVE DEFLECTION AND YOU HAVE TO SAY THEY’VE BEEN VERY F**KY THERE” WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM ANSWERS: 1 Real 2 Real 3 Fake 4 Real 5 Fake 6 Fake 7 Real 8 Real 9 Real 10 Fake ROU ND 3 11 Too much protein? No whey! Bear being a dick #1 Bear being a dick #2 Un-bear-ably stupid! PICS: Rex Features These grizzlies are definitely not smarter than the average bear! It’s been a bumper week for bears with low IQs as we spotted not one, not two, but three incredibly stupid carnivores making complete and utter mugs of themselves around the globe. This flurry of fuzzy fiends has been up to all sorts of hi-jinks: putting their heads through cat flaps, getting trapped inside protein tubs and even romancing a plastic deer in a completely one-sided rumble in someone’s back garden. It’s not every day we get to mock these deadly predators, but today we’ll just grin and bear it! 12 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM What do yo u m e a n I w o n ’t fi t? Calm down, dear! Bear being a dick #3 Residents of Churchill, Canada, leave their cars unlocked to offer an escape for pedestrians who might encounter polar bears. IT’S FREE! IT’S FUNNY! AND IT’S PACKED WITH FEMALES! It’s the newsletter! All the hottest ZOO girls, Twitties and web babes, hand-picked by your hardworking ZOO team! Jokes, LOL-some videos and Facebook banter! Landing in your inbox, every Tuesday and Friday SIGN UP ! NOAW T .COM ZOOTODAY PLUS CHECK OUT ZOO EVERY DAY WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM What do you mean you’re not scared of my bow and arrow? W e’d imagine the apocalypse is something game designers’ dreams are made of, because it allows them to think up an original world. However, usually they end up with the same barren wasteland where everything’s gone to pot. Now Guerrilla Games – The new Lara Croft This flame-haired maiden you see here is Aloy, the game’s main character and an outcast from her tribe. The adventurous Lara Croft type is very handy with a bow and arrow and was heavily based on Alien’s Ellen Ripley and Game Of Thrones’ Ygritte. 14 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM famous for intergalactic cyber-Nazi shooter series Killzone – is taking a different approach, with a greener, brighter and more colourful post-apocalypse. Horizon: Zero Dawn is an open-world action RPG set thousands of years into the future, following the unexplained fall of civilisation. It’s a bold idea, but one the crowds at E3 loved – and it’s easy to see why. With its winning combination of stealth, exploration and mental mechanical dinosaurs, it means the apocalypse has never looked as good as this – and we can’t wait to see more! Very wild life As you can see, the game’s wildlife are mechanical and range from smaller, less deadly herds (below) to big, heavily armed behemoths (above). Taking down these creatures is essential to survival, as you’ll need the precious materials they drop to create more weapons for future skirmishes. Aloy’s armoury From what we saw, you’re not armed with some bog standard bow and arrow. Aloy had three types of ammo to utilise – electrical, explosive and armour piercing – as well as a rope gun, which she used to pin down bigger mechs to restrict movement and hit the weak spots. r e l i a r t e h W a t c h tt o d a y. c o m on ZOO WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 15 s t o o b e r O O Z Casting for next year s Baywatch remake is under way – and ZOO’s got a few suggestions for the fi lovely lady-lifeguards… A uditions for the Baywatch movie are moving along nicely, following news Zac Efron is teaming up with The Rock for the R-rated reboot next year. But who cares about them, anyway? We want to know which booby beauties are going to be donning the iconic red suits and running in slow-mo at our local IMAX. Thankfully for busy, overworked Hollywood producers, ZOO’s already got a few sexy suggestions… The se gir ls can has sle the Ho ff wh ene ver the y ple ase ! STEPH CJ Miley Cyrus Can pull off short hair and still look sexy? Check. Good swimmer? Check. Comfortable wearing tight Lycra swimsuits in public? Check. Miley’s got the job! 16 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM Kate Upton She’s the only babe capable of doing Pammy’s character justice. Besides, who else has experience of looking hot and running along a beach in slow-mo? CAROLINE LANI Kelly Brook If you believe the rumours, then busty Kelly’s already been earmarked for the film. A sound choice given she has a body to rival original Baywatch brunette, Yasmine Bleeth’s. Carmen Electra Who else could play Carmen Electra’s lovely Lani other than, well, Carmen Electra!? At 43 she’s still stunning and, it seems, can still pull off that red swimsuit! N EE LY PICS: Splash News, Rex Features, PA Photos SHAUNI Daisy Watts Shauni began as a rookie, so we think ZOO’s Daisy fits the bill perfectly. Not only is she ideal for any topless scenes, she has her own costume, too! Charlotte McKinney The show’s bad girl could only be played by banned-from-TV totty Charlotte McKinney. We’d envy the man who gets saved by her… WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 17 THE Email: Hayemaker@zootoday.com y in ZOO E X C L U S I V E COTTO-CANELO IS A CRACKER! S o Miguel Cotto and Canelo Alvarez have finally agreed to fight on 21 November at the Mandalay Bay hotel in Las Vegas. That’s the second super-fight this year – and I can’t wait for it. We’re starting to see the effects of what Floyd Mayweather Jr’s superfight with Manny Pacquiao has done in opening the doors for these dream match-ups regardless of promoter wrangles, broadcast deals or weight restrictions. The fans want to see the best versus the best and that’s what they’re getting. Style-wise for this fight, you’ve got two guys who love to trade blows and have high knockout ratios, so it’s going to be all-out action. It’s a real pick ’em fight: Cotto is the older man by birth years and ring wars, but what he might give away in an ageing body to the younger Alvarez, he makes up for in ringcraft and the fact he looks like a new man under Freddie Roach. This is a Fight Of The Year candidate for sure! EMAIL YOUR QUESTIONS FOR DAVID TO HAYEMAKER@ZOOTODAY.COM 18 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM Jail bird Prison guards in Costa Rica caught a carrier pigeon trying to smuggle drugs to inmates. The pigeon must have really got in with a bad crowd as it was carrying 14g of cocaine and 14g of cannabis in a bag attached to its chest. It’s no wonder the recipients are in jail if that’s the height of their criminal enterprise! The problem now for the guards is that every pigeon coming over the wall could be a drug runner, so they’ll have their hands full trying to close that drug route! IN NEED OF A HAYEMAKER THIS WEEK… GRAVESTONE PROPERTY DEVELOPER I can’t believe a millionaire used 150-yearold gravestones with the names and ages of children on to decorate his mansion. He’s in trouble because the house is a Grade II-listed building and he didn’t get permission for the renovations – although I suspect his punishment will be nothing compared to the haunting he’s unleashed on himself! PICS: Getty Images, PA Photos, Rex Features, Reuters Potty tennis fans According to Novak Djokovic, someone was smoking weed in the crowd during his Rogers Cup match with Jeremy Chardy in Montreal. It got so bad he complained to the umpire about feeling dizzy. What a liberty! How someone is able to get weed into a sporting venue and then light up during play is beyond me. But how Djokovic still won the game after getting high from the fumes is one for his opponent to mull over… ASK DAVID! Da Ya Think I’m Celtic Legendary crooner Rod Stewart had to pick up a monster bar bill after promising to buy a drink for every Celtic fan who joined him for a swift one after his closing night in Las Vegas – as long as they were wearing their replica shirt. Being a Celtic fan himself, Rod should have known better: the first thing they would have packed was the club shirt. They will have to start singing, “You’ll never drink alone” in the stands now. Who would win in a scrap between Zayn Malik and Calvin Harris? DAN BYRNE, via Twitter Calvin Harris has the height and reach so he would be the bookies’ favourite, but Zayn Malik has been on the warpath since he left One Direction so has a puncher’s chance just off pure rage. It’s not quite Cotto vs Alvarez, but it’s another pick ’em fight! WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 19 MOTORS Life’s a beach! WORDS: Leon Poultney This year’s Pebble Beach Concours d’Elegance features some delicious motoring morsels M onterey in California plays host to some excruciatingly expensive classic cars every year. But it’s also an excuse for manufacturers to show off their latest creations. Here’s our pick of this year’s lovely bunch... Icona Vulcano Titanium You might remember the Icona Vulcano – a 950bhp hybrid beast with some seriously sharp styling – from the 2013 Shanghai Motor Show. This is the latest version, and it’s fashioned from titanium for the ultimate combo: lightweight and strong. It’s also powered by the Chevrolet Corvette ZR1’s 661bhp 6.2-litre supercharged V8, and its maker claims it’s capable of reaching 60mph in 2.8sec, going on to a top speed of 220mph. 20 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM in h p m 0-60 econds! 2.8 s ! L A I C E P S W O MOTOR SH Fisker-Galpin Rocket Speedster Henrik Fisker – owner of Fisker Automotive and ex-Aston Martin design guru – has teamed up with Galpin Auto Sports to pimp the convertible version of the new Ford Mustang, adding a number of aerodynamic nostrils and fins to ensure it hugs the road when the roof is lowered. The 5.0-litre V8 has also been tuned to produce 715bhp, plus the wheels have grown to 21 inches and the brakes boosted to 15-inch discs to ensure it stops. Lamborghini Aventador Superveloce Roadster How do you make the awesome £321,743 Lamborghini Aventador Superveloce even better? You chop the roof off, of course! Only 500 topless stunners will be built and they will all feature a 6.5-litre V12 engine, which develops 740bhp – a whopping 49bhp more than the already insane Aventador. When it goes on sale next year (sporting a price tag of more than £350k) it will be the most stylish way to rearrange your face. A LS O U N V E IL E D ! BMW 3.0 CSL Hommage R concept If the beefed-up M4 opposite doesn’t get your man-bits fizzing, this CSL concept ruddy well will. A nod to the 3.0 CSL from the 1970s, it features lightweight tech to shave pounds and improve performance and a helmet that displays information (like speed and revs) on the visor. There’s no word on whether this will ever be made, but we think BMW would be mad not to. BMW Concept M4 GTS Ignore the word “concept”: it’s pretty much exactly what the upcoming M4 GTS will look like. The 3.0-litre turbocharged engine has an innovative water injection system, while the bodywork sports a bucketload of racy additions. BMW remain tight-lipped about performance figures, but rest assured it will be far greater than the standard M4’s “measly” 425bhp… WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 21  Ė ē LETTERS!ŶēŶĖ ē LIKES!ŶēŶ  Ė ē SPA Become a ZOO legend by sending in your best pics and general madness! TOO RUD E! TO O RU DE ! TOO RU TO O RU DE ! TO O RU DE ! TO O RU DE ! DE! TO O RU DE ! TO O RU DE ! New digs! TOO RU DE! TOO RUDE! T O O R U D E! TOO RUD E! TO O RU DE ! TOO RUD E! TOO RUD E! TO O RU DE ! TO O RU DE ! R TOO SHOUTEOEKF! UDE! TOO RU DE! THE W We just want to say thanks to everyone at ZOO for helping make our scruffy workplace a whole lot sexier! KYLE, via email We’re glad we can be of service, Kyle! Please enjoy your prize – 240 bottles of beer – responsibly. Congrats! SEND YOUR MAD PICS TO WIN PRIZES... MESSAGE US ON FACEBOOK OR CONTACT US ON THE DEETS BELOW FACEBOOK FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE EMAIL YOURSHOUT@ZOOTODAY.COM TXT 07786202210* TWITTER @ZOO 22 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM THIS WEEK’S PRIZE Shout Of The Week wins 240 bottles of beer, courtesy of Queen Bohemian lager! For more info, visit queenlager.com M! ē Ė ē PRIZES! ē Ė ē FAILS & WINS! Perfect shadow Pick me up I was getting pickets out of the ground when I slipped down a hill into long grass and fell on a sharp one, which tore straight up my leg. I ended up with 58 stitches, 27 staples and a skin graft. TYSON SMITH, via email We’ve never seen the entire insides of a limb before. Thanks for enlightening us, Tyson! The condom machine in the toilets of my local pub has quite a fitting shadow, don’t you think? RORY WILLIAMS, via email On an unrelated note Rory, £2 for a box of Tic Tacs is pretty steep, right? JOEY BARTON Huyton MY MATE LOOKS LIKE! Joey BarbytAonndrew Sent in ss Corne Under pressure After walking home from the pub, I fell over a pothole and landed on my right arm. Thinking nothing of it, I went home to bed. Little did I know I had compartment syndrome (a build-up of pressure), which caused nerve damage. When I woke up, my hand wouldn’t stop twitching until later it seized and I lost feeling in my fingers. JOSH WRIGHT, via email Land on your fingers next time, Josh. You won’t feel the pain… PICS: Offside Lady luck I think I could be the next David Attenborough! ALI ARDIC, via text You’re missing a trick, Ali: an X-rated insect spin-off! Qualified drinker Homer Simpson must be working in the Joker Bar in Turkey. DENKIN, Buckpool Never has a truer word been spoken, Denkin! DEAN DUIGAN Stockport We’ve got one seriously hot dog on our hands! ANON, via text At least you’ve got him some sunnies! *Each week we select any number of photos/jokes from the entries we receive for publication in ZOO, and select one photo/joke as the “Shout/Joke Of The Week”, which will win that week’s prize. The competition is ongoing and your photo/joke may be selected for publication or as a prize-winning entry in any week during the competition. Only winning submissions will receive a prize – no other publication fee is payable. All prizes must be claimed within six weeks of publication (after which time prizes will be passed on to the runner-up). Entry is free, although your standard network rate will apply for text entries. You should always get the permission of the person who pays the bills before entering. This is not a subscription service. For Your Shout/Jokes the prize will vary each week during the competition. Full terms and conditions for all competitions featured in the magazine can be found on our website at www.zootoday.com/legal/agb. WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 23 A pumping human heart can squirt blood up to 30 feet Jedi Master Yoda’s face was based on Albert Einstein’s TRUE OR FALSE ANSWERS: 1 T 2 T 3 F– it’s actually 10 elephants There is a Ned Flandersinspired heavy metal band, called Okilly Dokilly Cows kill more than five times as many people per year as sharks A teacher in Colombia was caught confiscating Panini football stickers from pupils and using them to complete his own collection £5,000 1. Drug dealers in New York are using toy Minions to transport narcotics Price of a new Atalay robot arm, which automatically slices doner meat, in a Nor th London takeaway 2. The dye from blue M&Ms can repair spinal injuries in rats 3. The paint on the Eiffel Tower weighs as much as five elephants Hawaiian pizza was invented by a Greek man in Canada Muhammad Ali once fought a Japanese professional wrestler 17.5 Duration in hours of the world’s longest commercial flight from Dubai to Panama Roald Dahl had pogonophobia; an extreme hatred of beards e here! rsonal messag Enter your pe Vikings believed those who died in bed – not battle – went to a special afterlife where it was always foggy 24 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM Before creating Family Guy, Seth MacFarlane was an animator and writer for Johnny Bravo, Cow And Chicken and Dexter’s Laboratory $10k Ear nings per mon t h by a man in Nor t h Texas w ho cr eat es po tat oes wit h cus t om messages on t hem 1,250 Cups of cof f ee dr unk by the average Finnish per son annuall y GO BEHIND THE SCENES LIVE AT ALL ZOO PHOTOSHOOTS! JOIN ZOO’S SNAPCHAT TODAY! JUST OPEN THE APP, POINT YOUR CAMERA AT THE ICON BELOW AND TAP IT. EASY! ZOO MAGAZINE IS AVAILABLE IN PRINT AND DIGITAL! Al so av ail ab le fro m. .. Saucy accidents My uncle slipped on some beans last week. If only he had the benefit of Heinz sight. MARIO, via email Quiet hook-ups Two mutes went on a dinner date. It was full of comfortable silences. BILL PETERSON, via text STEWART FRANCIS In a flap! *Texts are free, but standard network charges apply. For full terms & conditions see page 23 I was recently the subject of a joke. I chick d of a fig crosse to get a JIMMY, via text I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a f b Wrong time for crime Movie mysteries Why are the films Titanic and The Sixth Sense so similar? Because of icy dead people. FREDDY, via email G E T I N! TOUCH 26 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 11.34: Arrived at crime scene 11.34: Examined body Signs of a struggle 11.34: Found murder weapon in drain 11.34: Realised watch was broken. ADAM, via email EMAIL JOKES@ZOOTODAY.COM TXT 07786202210* TWITTER @ZOO FACEBOOK FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE GENIUS ONE-LINER I caught an infection at my karate class. It was kung flu. TIM VINE CAPTION COMPETITION! THE RESULTS Star steaks I was disappointed when I went to the new restaurant run by Han Solo. Turns out the steak is Chewie. NEIL RENTON, Edinburgh Even conversations I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine. One, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.” HENDON, Denbighshire SEAN LOCK Use special branch... Lost your tree? Why not nail a picture of it to your dog? SAMMY, Teddington ILLUSTRATION: The Boy Fitz Hammond (tbfh.com) PICS: PA Photos Dentist dates Last night I went out with a woman who is a dentist. She had a great time and would like to see me again in six months. RICK, via email Happy eating Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. LUCAS JONES, North Wales SICK CORNER The female punk turns to the male punk and says, “Is that Johnny Rotten?” The male punk says, “Nah, I’ve only used it twice!” DANIEL FOYLE, via email in goal, but he’s really good at crossing” GREG, via email “When I said you need to be a bit more animalistic the pitch, I didn’t this!” email e, r e e , f iv O n e , t h , n in e … seven I can’t help but think I would have been much better at sport if my dad had a different job. He was a bouncer and wouldn’t let me wear trainers WINNER! “He’s terrible ks I wonder whether, in Victorian times, Tourette’s sufferers blurted out, “Fiddlesticks, balderdash, and poppycock?” JORDAN D, via text t gonna lie, my fear of ras is getting to me. eed a little lie down.” TER, via email Come on mate, I’ll be your wingman!” “It’s not my type, OK!” GRAHAM, via email “This didn’t make sense at first, but it’s black and white now. JAMES, via email “I’ve never been so close to one. Hold me!” DAVID, via email Readable relationship My mate has moved in with his girlfriend who owns a huge magazine collection. When she refused to part with them, he left her. There were just too many issues. GRANT, via email Joker Of The Week wins an Xbox One and a ZOO goodie bag! WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 27 Essential ★★★★★ Excellent ★★★★✩ Good ★★★✩✩ Average ★★✩✩✩ Poor ★✩✩✩✩ Plug yourself into this week’s hottest entertainment, featuring the best films, games, music and DVDs FILM of the week! Straight Outta Compton If you’re after a nostalgic throwback to the mean ’80s streets of LA’s Compton to witness the astronomical rise of the godfathers of gangster rap, N.W.A, then this epic biopic is for you! Dr Dre, Eazy-E, Ice Cube and MC Ren take you on a gritty musical journey with some violent twists and turns through the most dangerous streets of America. 28 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM For hip hop fans this is an absolute essential and you will find it hard not to rap along with the “most dangerous group” in music. And just in case you ever disbelieved in the group’s “street” credentials, just make sure you watch out for Eazy’s tour bus supplies and the film’s bad guy – the music mogul Suge Knight! ★★★★★ Excuse me officer, which way to the local Whole Foods? h Everybody’s Gone To The Rapture If you’re after something unique, then this PS4 exclusive will certainly do the trick, throwing you into an open-world adventure set in a quaint little village in Shropshire (yes, really) during the apocalypse. For five or so hours thereafter it’s your job to decipher what’s happened. Mysterious, and bewildering, it really is one of a kind. ★★★★★ The Weeknd Beauty Behind The Madness List GAME! MUSIC! ED HELMS Following his bedroom anthem on the Fifty Shades soundtrack, Drake’s protégé Abel Tesfaye (aka The Weeknd) is back, having worked with the likes of Disclosure and Ed Sheeran on this second album. But fret not fans: it’s not as commercial as it sounds – just a little less X-rated! ★★★★✩ The Salvation DVD! Escobar: Paradise Lost DVD! Does Danish-born Mads Mikkelsen ever get to try his hand at playing happy roles? Here he is as another stone-faced goodie in a Western, but this time his character loses his wife and son to the village lunatic after an altercation in a horse and cart. If Eva Green and some decent shootout scenes don’t float, Man United legend Eric Cantona playing a baddie might. ★★★✩✩ With new Netflix series Narcos, about Pablo Escobar, out imminently, it’s time you brushed up on your South American gang knowledge. For Escobar (Benicio Del Toro) family’s everything. So when surfer Nick falls for Escobar’s niece, he finds his life on the line when he’s pulled into the world of the family business. ★★★✩✩ HI ED! WE LOVED VACATION. DO YOU HAVE A PERSONAL MEMORY OF A BAD FAMILY VACATION YOU HAD EITHER AS AN ADULT OR WHEN YOU WERE A KID? I have two older siblings and we all took a lot of family vacations. It’s hard for me to pinpoint a vacation that was all bad, but there were definitely terrible moments on vacations. When I was about eight, we took one family trip where we flew from Atlanta to Denver and then drove all across the western United States for two weeks in a rented Oldsmobile sedan – all five of us. It’s thousands of miles of bleak desert, and we almost killed each other on those drives. My brother and I got so bored we were eating grapes and we put them in the window and tried to make raisins. It didn’t work! TELL US A BIT ABOUT YOUR FAVOURITE SCENE... So, Rusty and his wife Debbie are visiting Audrey Griswold and she is married to an incredibly hunky cowboy, played by Chris Hemsworth, and his character’s name is Stone Crandall. So, we’re staying at their house and we’re settling down to go to bed, and Stone comes in wearing nothing but very tight underwear. We can see through his underwear that he has an enormous package and we’re stunned by this; and he is also weirdly oblivious and arrogant about it, just sort of talking nonchalantly for a few minutes and then leaving. We’re left bewildered! HOW ON EARTH DID YOU KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE? I didn’t. [Laughs.] Thankfully, the camera’s on him most of the time. It was so funny, and it’s not just funny because of that prosthetic and what it looks like; it’s funny because Chris Hemsworth sold it so amazingly. I mean, he just nailed that joke with the arrogance and just walking in with all that attitude. It was amazing! THAT MUST HAVE BEEN AN ODD PROP TO WORK WITH... Well, we were all around on set laughing about it and checking it out. I would say we all had a lot of laughs about that. IN PLAYING THE ADULT RUSTY FOR THE FIRST TIME, DID YOU GO BACK AND LOOK AT THE ORIGINAL NATIONAL LAMPOON FILMS TO TAKE ANY CUES FROM THE ACTORS WHO PLAYED HIM AS A TEENAGER? I didn’t. I watched the old films just for fun and just to get in the spirit of the Griswolds’ mythology, but I didn’t look for acting cues from Johnny Galecki, Anthony Michael Hall or anyone else. They’re great performances but I just felt like adult Rusty’s really a different character. I looked at this as a blank slate and an opportunity to just bring Ed Helms to Rusty Griswold – and had a hell of a good time doing it. Vacation is in cinemas now WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 29 DRUGS, INC THE X FACTOR 10 PM 8 PM FRIDAY 28 AUGUST National Geographic The series ends on a high (ahem) with the Sinaloa Cartel, who flood the market with a new crystal meth. Addictive viewing (puns intended). SATURDAY 29 AUGUST ITV Reasons to watch No1: Rita Ora. Reasons to watch No2: the auditions are the funniest part. Enjoy the best of the worst in 2015’s search for a new Z-list Xmas hit. The definitive TV guide, picking the must-see shows, so you don’t have to! SWANSEA VS MANCHESTER UNITED SUNDAY 30 AUGUST 4 PM Sky Sports 1 The Red Devils face Garry Monk’s Swans, who did the double over LVG’s men last season. If someone is crawling along the turf, it’ll either be a Gomis celebration or Wayne Rooney hunting for form. ALSO UNMISSABLE Avoid another helping of The X Factor with Will Ferrell and the GNN news team in Anchorman 2, 8pm, Sky Movies Comedy. 30 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM DUCK QUACKS DON’T ECHO MONDAY 31 AUGUST Sky 2 8 PM PARTY DOWN SOUTH Lee Mack’s factbusting comedy panel series returns with animated Yank Jerry Springer, Emma Bunton and funnyman Jason Byrne putting further fascinating titbits to the test. 29 AUGUST SATURDAY NEWCASTLE VS ARSENAL, 12 PM BT Sport 1 A love for French players is something these clubs share. Neither of them wants “nul points”, though. HANNIBAL WEDNESDAY 2 SEPTEMBER TUESDAY 1 SEPTEMBER 10 PM 9 PM 29 AUGUST SATUR AY BBC One Wembley sees Rovers take on Rhinos for Challenge Cup glory. Expect beer to be in short supply in the capital! 4Music Sky Living After Chelsea toffs and Essex geezers, we head Stateside to find out what a bunch of hot singletons living in the dirty South do for country-esque capers. OMG, etc. Bryan Fuller’s gorgeously grotesque thriller reaches a dramatic climax. It’s the last one ever*, so sit back and enjoy. (*Until Netflix takes it on. Hopefully…) This one has everyone intrigued. Not necessarily for the match, but the colour of Arouna Kone’s hair! THURSDAY 3 SEPTEMBER 10 PM WORDS: Joe Barnes PICS: Offside, Action Images Miley Cyrus hosts the iconic music event, appropriately in LA LA Land. Will she resist the urge to flash/strip-off/twerk at the audience/sing? Tune in to find out… SATURDAY TOTTENHAM VS EVERTON, 5 PM Sky Sports 1 2015 MTV VMA S MTV 29 AUGUST 30 AUGUST Watch me whip… now watch me nae nae SUNDAY S VS ON Sky Sports 1 The newly promoted Canaries are set to take on Liverpool’s feeder club. “Let’s be ’avin you” indeed… WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 31 One million partygoers descend on West London this weekend. But not all are there to have fun... INTERVIEW: Joe Barnes PICS: Getty Images, Alamy, Rex Features, Corbis, PA Photos B ritain’s most iconic street festival draws more than a million revellers to the streets of West London annually. Normally a joyous occasion filled with dancing, music and brilliant food, sadly more often than not areas around Notting Hill descend into a warzone with attempted murders, drug deals and drunken violence spoiling our favourite fiesta. More than 7,000 police officers are drafted in on a day-by-day basis and the costs run close to £10million – making the event the biggest single deployment of police officers in Europe. With the event becoming synonymous for crime and violence, ZOO talks to the Special Operations team at the Metropolitan Police to see how criminals are laying siege to the Notting Hill Carnival… 32 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE Flying in The bosses of Europe’s lawenforcement agency – Europol – announced they have been monitoring known criminal gangs taking advantage of cut-price flights and sending members over to the UK for “crime holidays”, specifically targeting partygoers. Europol’s army of intelligence gatherers have found over 900 cases where gang bosses have given criminal orders for “Gangs come on ‘crime holidays’” members to make a smash and grab trip to pick-pocket, steal cars and break into houses – before making a quick escape back to the continent with their booty haul. Gang warfare Britain’s biggest street party is one of the favoured locations for London’s homegrown gangs to flex their muscles. They have even taken to the internet to stir up tensions. THE CARNIVAL’S LESS CRIMINAL PROBLEMS TOILETS More than one million people are crammed into 3.5 square miles – but they only have access to 270 toilets between them. If you’re attending, don’t get caught short, as you’re bound to be waiting a while! “For several years, we’ve conducted pre-carnival operations targeting gang crime that could impact the safety of the Carnival, leading to many arrests which allow us to prohibit them from attending.” Last year, dawn raids led to the arrest of 149 known troublemakers and the seizure of more than £70,000 in cash, large amounts of drugs and, more worryingly, machine guns. “We also use super recognisers – officers with the WHAT A LOAD OF RUBBISH Everyone loves a messy party – apart from the poor folk who have the task of cleaning up afterwards. The epic operation involves 170 workers and 60 vehicles cleaning 27 streets of nearly 200 tonnes of rubbish – in less than three hours! ability to remember hundreds of offenders’ faces. They are on the lookout for people who are banned from the event.” stop-and-search checks have been introduced giving the police the right to stop anyone they suspect of wrongdoing. Knife attacks Drug abuse After last year’s festivities, the head of the Metropolitan Police expressed his concern at the high levels of knife crime that marred procedings. Two of his officers were among those hospitalised with knife wounds, after attempting to apprehend suspects. Just last year, 11 people were stabbed which included nine in one single fight. Attending officers have said that some victims were centimetres from death, and the Met admit they can often see a crime taking place six feet away, but overcrowding prevents an arrest. To combat this, blanket “The overwhelming majority of people come to have a good time. However, given the large amounts of people who attend, some see it as a opportunity to disrupt affairs and commit crime. Drugs offences are just one of a number of issues. Last year the police’s intelligence team identified one gang who were raided prior to the festival. They managed to seize 4kg of crack cocaine with a street value of more than £300,000 that was destined for sale on the streets. Eight suspected dealers were caught and kept away from the party – along with their illicit wares. DON’T LOSE YOUR MATES! You’re going to want to share the UK’s greatest street party with your mates, so don’t let them out of your sight! It only takes one pal to slip away for some jerk chicken and you’ll never find them again as telephone signals are blocked! DRUNKS As per every party on Earth, everyone wants to drink their weight in booze. So, you’re likely to spot the odd stranger or two passed out in the corner as the festival drifts past. On average, every person spends £66 each. That’s a hell of a lot of lager to get through… WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE 33 ROTHER reality show is back this week. Hopefully ur favourite naughty housemates... 34 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE WORDS: Joe Barnes PICS: Rex Features, FameFlynet, Celebrity Pictures, SplashNews.com, Xposure, Form Photos, Coleman-Rayner, Matrix Studios, Lipstick Syndication, Photoshot, Solar Pix O L E H C T A B Y E S CA LACEY BANGHARD PA G E 4 4 R PA G E 3 6 LUISA ZISSMAN PA GE 40 JO D IE M A R S PA G E K AT IA IVA N PA G E 4 BEST OF THE RE PA G E 4 6 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE 35 36 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE CBB 13 CA SE Y BATC HE LO R WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE 37 38 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE 39 40 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE Luisa may come across as a sensible businesswoman, but she claims the Big Brother bosses actually edited out her most X-rated moments! WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE 41 42 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE 43 44 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE CBB 11 LAC EY BAN GHA RD WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE 45 CBB 9 CBB 10 SH AN NO N TW IN S Scintillating Playboy twins Kristina and Karissa simply love to flash their flesh! CBB 9 NI CO LA MC LE AN The London lovely’s a reality show veteran, having stripped off in the house and jungle! C B B 11 HE ID I MO NTAG The Hills honey may be known for her Rylan Clark fight, but we just remember her bikinis! 46 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE RHIAN SUGDE N The multi-talented Bury babe really heated up the house with her mate Danica! C B B 13 JAS MIN E WA LTZ The American beauty came into the house handcuffed to Sam Faiers: what a team! CBB 4 CBB 9 CH AN TE LL E HO UG HT ON She may have gone in a secret non-celeb, but came out an absolute superstar in our eyes! CB B 8 AM Y CH ILD S Luckily for us, the ex-TOWIE stunner loved to strut around the house half-dressed! GEORG IA SALPA Thanks for voting the Irish babe out – we were missing her Instagram pics too much! WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE 47 CB B 14 C B B 12 ST EP HA NI E PR AT T COURT NEY STODD EN The Made In Chelsea star brought a bit of class and a lot of cuteness to the house! The booby blonde spent her time wearing very little. Was the rest taken by UK customs? CB B 10 CBB 6 DA NI CA The 32DD delight was breast friends with fellow model Rhian. What a sight it was! 48 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE LU CY PI ND ER The Winchester wonder was the first out of the house – and she was sorely missed! C B B 15 C B B 13 CA MI -LI If you don’t know the Puerto Rican-born model, check out her steaming hot Instagram! C B B 14 LA UR EN GO OD GE R The ex-TOWIE lass was no stranger to the pool and even risked it topless for us! CBB 4 SA M FA IER S Former TOWIE sensation Sam and her boutique bikinis were on full display in the house! C B B 12 C B B 15 CH AR LO TT E CR OS BY TRAC I BING HAM The Sunderland sensation was crowned champ. Maybe her constant flashing helped! The American actress is best known for her Baywatch role – she even brought the suit! KATIE PR IC E Katie proved the Price is always right when our national gem took January’s crown! WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE 49 Here’s how you can blag your way anonymously into buying a Premier W ith so many footballers deciding to ditch their clubs and move to pastures new, plenty of mega mansions are being left behind with signed shirts on the walls, ridiculous custom pool tables and even in-house barbers. With that in mind, ZOO has enlisted the help of an estate agent to the stars to let you into the trade secrets of buying the country’s most exclusive properties. Getting your foot in the door “Now, they’re not going to let just anybody in the front door of a top footballer’s home, so you need to come up with a game plan! We’d never entertain someone who strolled into the office and instantly asked about buying the big-named properties – trying out a couple of smaller places is a good start. “Once you’re actually chatting to the estate agent you need to be cool. And arrogant – act like you’ve been doing this for years and you may well just get past them. Mentioning your famous mates isn’t a good thing.” EM ILE HE SK EY PA UL LA MB ER T ST EV EN GE RR AR D’S TR OP HY RO OM 50 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE PH IL NE VI LL E On the inside “Most of the same applies here – just keep it cool. You’re most likely walking around your idol’s home, but you can’t just run off and look at his trophy collection. “And, if they were any good as a player, you’ll probably see a few bottles of bubbly. This is not an open house with free Champers, so don’t dive into their precious Man Of The Match awards!” RA HE EM ST ER LIN G Cutting back “Raheem Sterling’s in-house barbers is actually very handy – just imagine not having to leave your house for a haircut. Unfortunately, the room would be far better used as a bedroom where it would at least add some value to your massive investment! “Then again, that’s what makes footballers’ houses different from ours – they go that extra mile when it comes to making interesting decisions about spending their money.” Keep an eye out “They might be heroes to us, but you’ve got to remember they are just normal people – so make sure you watch out for the weird things that are swept under the carpet or hidden behind the sofa. I’ve once seen a whole child’s playset hidden behind a sofa – on show it would’ve made the house look a right mess!” RA HE EM ST ER LIN G They love tat A N G EL D I M A R IA PH IL NE VI LL E “Just looking through these photos you’ll see how much personalised rubbish footballers love to collect. Yeah sure it’s great to have a pool table in your house, but really with your name on it? “If they’re making a move abroad they are most likely going to leave this for the potential buyer, but you’re better off asking if they’ll be leaving you the washing machine and dishwasher – they’re far more useful when you move in!” ST EP HE N IR EL AN D PICS: Offside, Rex Features, Action Images RA HE EM ST ER LIN G AN GE L DI MA RI A Not very efficient “Now you’ve cobbled together enough cash to actually buy your idol’s former home, remember they’re ruddy expensive to run! Phil Neville’s home costs £2,600a-year in council tax alone and that’s forgetting the massive pools, collection of hot tubs and lighting for about 100 rooms.” WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE 51 Fo ll ow @ ZO O S p o rt The story of U n it e d ’s n e w N o 7 ! Having announced himself as Manchester United’s latest superstar, ZOO reveals the of football. It is a different thing. I have a life next to football,” Memphis said of the situation. The ability If his classy goals and sumptuous assist against Club Brugge in the Champions League last week sent Manchester United fans into a tizzy then they ain’t seen nothing yet. One thing that’s unquestionable about their new No7 is his talent. He arrived at the club as the top goalscorer under 21 throughout Europe’s top five leagues and, in true United No7 fashion, is a set-piece specialist with the seven free-kicks he banged in for PSV last season – more than any other player in Europe. It’s ability that’s not lost on fellow Dutch great Arjen Robben, who claimed the young star “can become one of the top players in the world at United”. PICS: PA Photos, Offside The showman No shrinking violet, Depay arrived at Manchester Airport after the club’s pre-season tour of America kitted out in £10,000 worth of Louis Vuitton accessories. He’s featured on Dutch rap group Rotterdam Airlines’ song Flexin and even appears in the video. He owns 52 WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZOOSPORT The troubled childhood ON THE PITC FOR UNITED H ! a camouflage car and spent his summer hols frolicking around in Miami with Chris Brown’s ex-girlfriend Karrueche Tran. Even his charitable acts don’t escape the fanfare. On signing for United, he bought his mum a Mercedes as a thank-you and posted the video of him giving it to her on Facebook. The name Memphis plays with his first name emblazoned on the back of his shirt: not for any marketing ploys or Brazilianstyle nickname reasons, but to make a very serious statement to his father, Dennis, who walked out on his mother when he was only four and has barely been in touch since. It’s still a sensitive part of his life that despite drawing attention to on his strip, he’d rather keep away from football. “Those things are a part of my life. It is not a part FLAGE C A M O UA R ! C Growing up in a household with his mother and her new man and his kids, the future £25m man’s childhood was not a rosy one. He would often turn up to training with the Sparta Rotterdam under-nines in tears. After signing to PSV as a 12-year-old, his behaviour and issues at home had become so bad they compelling story of Memphis Depay… placed him with a life coach, who he saw once a week until he was 18. ED TAT T O OAT C H E R C DREAM The tattoos The star is covered in tats – they’re his most-prized possessions. He has the words “dream chaser” across his chest because he says that’s what he’s doing with SUNDAY 30 AUGUST revealed a temporary tat on the inside of his lip that read “Successful” in Dutch. The confidence his career. “I believe I can be one of the best players in the world and I have to dream and believe to achieve.” He marked his grandfather’s passing on his lower arm with the words: “You are far away, you live on in our hearts. I love you.” He put the same on a photograph inside the coffin. He once Memphis raised a few eyebrows when he demanded the No7 shirt at United – but then he’s always believed in himself. His youth coach at PSV, Mart van Duren, revealed they had a job keeping him from arrogance, saying: “Footballers think they are the king at school and Memphis especially. He had his phone out in class and a big mouth against the teachers.” Then there was the time Saints’ boss Ronald Koeman saw him playing for the Dutch under-19 side: “He was walking around like he’d won 10 European Cups. What’s it all about?” The Premier League’s set to find out! PREMIER LEAGUE Swansea vs Man United 3.30pm, Sky Sports 1 WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZOOSPORT 53 Fol low @ZO OSp ort P U C E G N E L L A CH ! FINAL PREVIEW underdogs!” Hull Kingston Rovers’ Aussie points machine Josh Mantellato says the game’s liveliest fans will drive them to victory… H I, JOSH. IT’S HULL KR’S FIRST CHALLENGE CUP FINAL IN ALMOST 30 YEARS, IS THE CITY BUZZING? There’s a good feeling around the town, especially among Rovers fans. Even Hull FC supporters have wished me all the best because they really want to see the town do well. HOW DO THE FANS COMPARE TO SOME OF THE MORE LIVELY ONES YOU’VE PLAYED IN FRONT OF IN THE NRL? Rovers fans are by far the loudest and most vocal. No one in the Super League or the NRL compares with regards to atmosphere at a game. You won’t be able to hear the bloke next to you at Wembley on Cup Final day! YOU’RE COMING IN AS MASSIVE UNDERDOGS. DO YOU PREFER THAT? We’ve been underdogs every single Challenge Cup game so far, so it sits well with us. Leeds are used to these big games but hopefully we can put in a great performance on the day and give our fans something to cheer about. YOU RELEASED A CHARITY VERSION OF ERASURE’S A LITTLE RESPECT AHEAD OF THE FINAL. DID YOU HIT THOSE HIGH NOTES? Ha ha. I can’t hit a high note 54 WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZOOSPORT because my vocal chords are busted from being hit in the throat on the field. Jordan Cox didn’t do too badly, but we all had a laugh. WITH LEEDS PROP JAMIE PEACOCK COMING TO YOU AS HEAD OF FOOTBALL NEXT SEASON, WON’T IT AFFECT YOUR WORKING “We’ll give our fans something to cheer about” RELATIONSHIP IF HE BEATS YOU? We’ll definitely be bitter for the first couple of months, but it’s up to us to make him come over mad at us. YOU’RE FIGHTING FOR YOUR PLACE IN THE SUPER LEAGUE. WOULD YOU RATHER THAT OR THE CHALLENGE CUP? I’ll take both! Leeds are the best team in the competition so we know it’s going to be tough but we’ve got a real exciting and entertaining side that can score lots, so we always have a chance! T L O U D ESS! FA N “I’m not letting go of the Cup!” Leeds Rhinos veteran Kevin Sinfield on adding the Challenge Cup to his rugby league swan song PICS: Offside, PA Photos, Rex Features, Action Images H Saturday 29 August LADBROKES CHALLENGE CUP FINAL Hull KR vs Leeds Rhinos 2.30pm, BBC One I, KEVIN. THE CHALLENGE CUP WAS THE ONE TROPHY THAT ELUDED YOU UNTIL LAST SEASON. NOW YOU CAN WIN IT BACK-TO-BACK… I’m hoping so. I’ve lost in the final a number of times so last year was a big relief. To get the opportunity to lift the trophy again is unbelievable. DO YOU FIND IT EASIER TO WIN THE GRAND FINAL THAN THE CHALLENGE CUP? Our record in the Challenge Cup is as good as, if not better than, every other club in the Super League over the past 10 years. The problem is the game we usually lose is the final! It’s been more difficult to get my hands on that trophy so that’s why we know how much we’ve got to perform on the day. YOU’VE BEATEN HULL KR TWICE ALREADY THIS SEASON, SO DO YOU HAVE THE BETTER OF THEM? Not at all. We’ve had two really tough games and they’re capable of beating any top side. They showed that by defeating Warrington and Wigan in their run to the final so they’ll be a serious threat and we’ll have to be at our very best. It’ll make for a great match. AS ONE OF THE MOST DECORATED PLAYERS, IS IT FAIR TO CALL YOU THE “RYAN GIGGS OF RUGBY LEAGUE”? I’m not sure, there are other players who’ve won just as much. I’ve just been fortunate to play for a great club, in several great teams. YOU’RE SWITCHING TO RUGBY UNION QUITE LATE IN YOUR CAREER. DID SAM BURGESS INSPIRE YOU? I have huge respect for Sam and having played alongside him and been his captain with England, I know what he’s capable of. I’ve always wanted to do it and I didn’t want to leave the sport with regrets, so when the chance came, I couldn’t say no. AS IT’S YOUR LAST RUGBY LEAGUE SEASON, ARE THE CHALLENGE CUP AND SUPER LEAGUE TROPHIES THE ONLY LEAVING PRESENTS YOU’LL BE ACCEPTING? We’re in a great position but we’ve still got it all to do. These next two months are going to be really exciting. If we’re good and fight for everything we can make it a special time for everybody. Leeds Rhinos head into the Ladbrokes Challenge Cup Final as 2-9 favourites, with Hull KR 10-3. Visit Ladbrokes.com for more WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZOOSPORT 55 m H I, MARK. MANY CONGRATULATIONS ON BOWLING THE BALL WHICH RECLAIMED THE ASHES… Thanks! It’s finally begun to sink in now the Test series is over. Taking the winning wicket is something I never thought I’d get a chance to do, so it’s been absolutely fantastic. My dad keeps asking what Alastair Cook was saying to me during the celebrations, but I can’t remember. He was just shouting at me! HOW ARE YOU DEALING WITH BECOMING A NATIONAL HERO OVERNIGHT? My mates back home are constantly taking the mick out of me and telling me to wear 56 WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZOOSPORT smaller shoes to stop bowling no balls. That keeps me grounded. Other than that, the support has been great! YOU MUST HAVE COME CLOSE TO BREAKING YOUR TEETOTAL RULES DURING THE CELEBRATIONS? No – I was jumping off the walls with the sugar from the Fruit Shoots! That was enough for me. My Durham teammate Ben Stokes usually drinks my quota in exchange for me looking after him after he’s had a few. WHERE DOES YOUR TRADEMARK IMAGINARY HORSE CELEBRATION COME FROM? At Durham when we played four-day matches, I would bring out the horse and joust with my teammates when things got really boring in the field. It was just a bit of lighthearted fun to make the time pass quicker and keep morale high. IT EVEN HAS IT’S OWN TWITTER ACCOUNT – @MARKWOODHORSE... Yeah, I’ve seen a couple of tweets but I’m not the man behind it. I try to keep away from that to be honest. WAS THE RACE FOR THE STUMPS AFTER THE FOURTH TEST THE MOST COMPETITIVE YOU’VE SEEN? Well I wanted one because I g Stokes and Stuart Broad were desperate for one as well because of the series’ they’d had. It was a really nice gesture for Cookie to give me one. WE HEARD YOU CAME UP WITH A NEW TEAM SONG? Ha ha. I was asked to write it by Trevor Bayliss. He must think I’m a lyrical genius or have the best craic. It goes “When we win the series, this is what we’ll sing, we are England, super England, Cookie is our king!” It went down well with the rest of the lads and we also sang a special one for Stuart Broad when he was voted Man Of The Match. SOUNDS LIKE YOU’VE GOT A CHRISTMAS NO1... Oh, it’s got to be! From the lyrical genius Mark Wood! ou es 2015 – dra ED 3 JOE ROOT IS OUR NEW FAVOURITE SPORTSMAN. IS HE THE BIGGEST JOKER IN THE DRESSING ROOM? He’s definitely a cheeky chappy, but everyone on the team has good banter and there’s a good togetherness throughout the squad at the minute. It certainly helps when people like Joe are putting in the performances he has lately. THIS ENGLAND TEAM IS SO LIKEABLE, CAN EVEN STUART BROAD START WINNING OVER HIS AUSSIE DETRACTORS? I don’t know if the papers over there are calling him by his name yet, but they’ve printed his picture so that’s a start. He can forget it though if he keeps blowing them away like this summer! YOU PLAYED WITH STEVE HARMISON AT DURHAM, AND NOW HE’S TURNED HIS HAND TO FOOTBALL MANAGEMENT AT NONLEAGUE ASHINGTON. HAS HE PERSUADED YOU TO PUT YOUR BOOTS ON? He’s had a few of his England teammates play, like Freddie Flintoff, so I can’t be too far away! He’s doing a good job there but has a packed midfield, so I won’t be getting a chance any time soon. BY MATTHEW HOGGARD 4 IT’S BY MICHAEL VAUGHAN 5 IT’S BY SIMON JONES IT’S BY STEVEN HARMISON England players past and present have swapped their bats for pens to draw portraits that will be auctioned off for Cricket United. Find out more at cricketunited.co.uk WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZOOSPORT 57 ANSWERS: 1 Joe Root 2 Alastair Cook 3 Stuart Broad 4 James Anderson 5 Ben Stokes INTERVIEW: Joe Barnes PICS: Getty Images, Action Images, PA Photos IT’S A lan Shearer has been immortalised in his famous celebratory pose, but the Newcastle United legend looks more like he’s got his dancing shoes on than his goalscoring boots in the new statue, which bears a closer resemblance to South Korean popstar Psy, midGangnam Style dance. Luckily, his is not football’s only funny erection… Style h t r o f s o G Shear madness! ! It’s football’s most bonkers statues! As Newcastle’s “Gangnam Style” Shearer is unveiled, ZOO uncovers the worst football statues ever erected… d! e d a e h d r Ha 58 WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZOOSPORT Uncrown King of A ed frica! A statue of Cameroon legend Samuel Eto’o stands on a roundabout in his home town of Douala… without a head. PICS: NCJ Media, Offside, Photoshot, FameFlyNet, Getty Images, PA Photos, Rex Features This 16ft bronze statue of the worst moment in Zinedine Zidane’s illustrious career was removed just weeks after being installed because it “promoted violence”. Colombian legend Carlos Valderrama looks like he’s been literally turned to stone under his famous life-like blond locks. s e c a f y n a T h e m n c h b ox – – and lu naldo! of Ro Bronze barnet What these sculptures of CR7 lack on the looks front they certainly more than make up for in the shorts department (right)! For reasons unknown, this amalgamation of the world’s best players in one ultimate effigy was given Carles Puyol’s hair. And Sven to admire it! This statue of one-time Saints’ player, manager, director and president Ted Bates, aka Mr Southampton, had to be replaced after fans claimed he’s been turned into an Oompa-Loompa! I’m sure I’ve dated her! B a l l o n d ’a w f u l ! Mr Gone South-hampton! WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZOOSPORT 59 ! Fol low @ZO OSp ort Sunderland 1-3 Norwich 15 AUGUST, 38 TH MINUTE “4-4-2’s not working like that! 4-3-3 maybe?” “Oi! Come here!” Man City 3-0 Chelsea 16 AUGUST, HALF-TIME Cesc Fabregas Dick Advocaat After conceding a second first-half goal, the puzzled Black Cats boss discusses possible new tactics from the sidelines. “Leave him! That’s all right, just calm down!” Chelsea’s Fabregas and Ivanovic attempt to settle Diego Costa’s frustrations at Fernandinho’s rash challenge as he storms down the tunnel. O R I GT HI E AND B NAL E P r e m Ri e v e a l i n g t S T ! mo er Leagu he uths s Branislav Ivanovic est Ham 1-2 Leicester e i n c e 2 p o t t y005! Aston Villa 0-1 Man United 14 AUGUST, 39 TH MINUTE “You’ve got something there! Right there!” Matteo Darmian United’s Matteo Darmian shares a moment with Villa’s Micah Richards as he explains there’s a smudge on his nose. 60 WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZOOSPORT “Ref! Have you f**king not seen that?” Robert Huth “Eh? Oh, thanks!” Micah Richards Leicester’s centrehalf Robert Huth questions the ref when he’s dragged down in the box with no foul awarded. 15 AUGUST, 27 TH MINUTE Chelsea new boy Baba Rahman plays in which position? Only one rugby league side have won the Challenge Cup more times than Leeds Rhinos. Who are they? Why did Olympic long jump champion Greg Rutherford brand Team GB’s kit for the World Championships “ridiculous and wrong”? 1 8 2 3 Cristiano Ronaldo has been linked with a move to the MLS after buying property in which city? Manchester United’s new goalkeeper Sergio Romero went on national television to deny claims that which fellow Argentinian player had slept with his wife, Eliana Guercio? 4 5 ! E N O Z N FA Relegation favourites Jason Day won the PGA Championship with the lowest score ever recorded in a Major. How many shots under par did he finish? Aussie bad boy Nick Kyrgios revealed he would rather be playing what sport than tennis? A Australian rules football B Mixed martial arts C Basketball 6 A female Sparta Prague fan has really shown her support by baring her boobs to urge on the players at a corner. Sparta, who went on to win, can’t get enough volunteers for corner-taking duties now. THE BEST BANTER FROM THE BACK OF THE STANDS ANSWERS: 1 Left-back 2 Wigan Warriors (19) 3 Because the Union Jack’s been replaced by a logo for British Athletics 4 New York 5 Sergio Aguero 6 20 7 C 8 West Ham 9 Edgbaston 10 Andy Murray Chant of the week! “You’re getting sacked in the morning... Eva! Eva! Eva!” Flash Mario 9 10 7 Passionate fan PICS: Offside, Getty Images After a slow start to the season, Sunderland have been tipped as relegation favourites by their own sponsor Dafabet, proving the online gambling firm is a better tipster than business analyst. For which other Premier League club has Watford loanee Alessandro Diamanti plied his trade? Which cricket ground hosts this year’s T20 Blast Finals Day? Can you name the tennis star who dressed up as an ice cream salesman to prank a fan? Out-of-favour Liverpool striker Mario Balotelli was the butt of Twitter jokes after being pictured with a Pat Butcher-style earring during Liverpool’s 1-0 win over Bournemouth last week. It seems his poor form on the pitch has spread to his wardrobe! Man City fans show their support for banned Chelsea doctor Eva Carneiro while warning her replacements of their fate after they enter the pitch to treat Gary Cahill TRANSFER WATCH Isco Real Madrid to Chelsea, £34m Chelsea are first in line as the Spanish playmaker is set to become a victim of Rafa Benitez’s pragmatic style at the Bernabeu. Yannick Bolasie Crystal Palace to Spurs, £25m Circling Spurs will be buoyed by the winger saying he’d struggle to pass up the chance to “play for a big club”. 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